If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
