"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
as a side note pls kill me
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