They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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