I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
