look no pants
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
