She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
