What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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