Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize