Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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