we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
