Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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