What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just invented taco cereal.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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