matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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