I didn't shave. On purpose
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
