3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
