Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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