I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
