I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This baby is an asshole
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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