imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What a dumb baby whore.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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