Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
