So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
