She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
