Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
