i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
