Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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