I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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