he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
