Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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