I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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