That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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