Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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