is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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