I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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