New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
