Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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