i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
