Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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