Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
