when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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