What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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