Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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