We're facebook friends in real life
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize