Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
