Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize