Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
