my mouth tastes like poor choices
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize