I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
