Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
