My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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