woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
