I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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