a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
