The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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