I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
