I didn't shave. On purpose
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
