I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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