Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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