She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
